I can remember years ago, when the abuse that happened to me was fresh, I thought it would stay fresh all the time. I thought it would never stop being fresh. It was like an open wound, bleeding and I could staunch the blood but it would keep bleeding all the time.
It’s been 2 years since I stopped going to weekly counseling and talking about how the abuse affected my life. It’s been about that long since I’ve ruminated on the subject. I think about it when I read about it, I think about it when it is shoved in my face on TV or when someone is talking about it but other than that I forget about it.
I never thought I’d get there. I never thought I could go days, weeks, months without thinking about it. But I have.
It used to be when I thought about the abuse I would have a PTSD episode. I would be in an anxiety ridden panic and would have no clue how to make it go away. I never thought I could get to the point where I could look back at my abuse as an outsider. I never thought I could think about it without feeling the pain as fresh as it was that day. But I can.
I used to think that trying hard to push the pain down, trying hard to not remember was the only way to get through the pain but that was the wrong way to think. The only way you can get beyond the pain is to feel it.
I wish there was a magic pill and you could take it and not have to feel the pain or sadness that goes with healing and remembering but you have to feel the pain to get to the place where remembering doesn’t hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, I do find myself sometimes sad about it or thinking about it and crying for what was taken from me, but I’m not thinking about it all the time. In fact I can go days, weeks, months without thinking about it and it feels awesome.
Back when I was dealing with it all the time it felt like my abuse was my whole life. One of my therapists said that one day I would get to the point where my abuse was not my whole life but part of my life. She was right. I’ve reached that time. I’ve reached the time where my abuse is part of my story not my whole story, my abuse is part of who I have become but it is no longer my entire being. It’s a chapter in the story of my life but it’s not my whole life.
FREEDOM!!! I have freedom from my abuse it feels pretty awesome! Trust me it’s worth the pain to get to the freedom. I encourage you to work on getting your own freedom because it is totally worth it!